Upon hearing of 11-year-old Jamison Stone's killing a 1,051-pound "Monster Pig" with 8 shots from a .50-caliber revolver at an Alabama hunting preserve, I was struck by some rather obvious questions. For instance, how big are Monster Pig pork chops or bacon strips? And how big would the frying pan have to be in order to properly cook such oversized delicacies? I can only assume it would need to be approximately the same size as Uncle Buck's pancake griddle.

After ruminating on these and many other pressing questions, I sought out one of my more gastronomically knowledgeable colleagues to seek her guidance and wisdom. She graciously, as is her way, suggested that I seek "professional" help while also suggesting an extended vacation. In the mean time, however, she did point me in the direction of the Financial Times newspaper, specifically towards an interesting article about rising pork prices and fears of inflation across China.

Apparently a mysterious disease known as "blue ear" is killing millions of Chinese pigs, thereby, lifting the price of the country's staple meat. I know, you're wondering if China has a "strategic pork reserve" for just such a rainy day. I was shocked to learn that the Chinese do in fact have a "strategic pork reserve" for those difficult times when the pork isn't flowing like honey because of overly descriptive illnesses like blue ear and foot-and-mouth disease. With this new information, two words immediately sprung to my mind for our precocious Monster Pig hunter from Alabama: FLASH & FREEZE. That's right, flash freeze that giant oinker and ship him on over to the People's Republic. There hasn't been a surer thing since Jed Clampett and his hound dog Duke went a' huntin' for some food and up a' the ground came a bubblin' crude - oil that is - BLACK GOLD. Oink's as good as oil to a porkless people!

I wonder...how many barrels of crude oil is a 1,051-pound super-sized swine worth to the increasingly pork-deprived Chinese? Does the "other white meat's" value outweigh Chinese economic interest in an oil-producing country like, let's just say, Sudan? If so, maybe President Bush could solemnly ask young Mr. Stone to sacrifice for his country and forgo his bacon bounty in the name of international security and then trade the prized pig to China, which would in return immediately throw its full support behind global efforts to end the Khartoum government-sponsored atrocities in Darfur. (Obviously, the United States is not responsible for any of the 8 bullets that could be mistakenly ingested after the final oink-for-oil exchange) Drat. Only two problems with my modest monster pig proposal for peace.

First, President Bush would never ask Americans to sacrifice or reduce our consumption habits even in the face of unspeakable horror, loss, or danger. (Remember, in times of trouble, get out and shop.) Second, the United States hasn't even put its Monster-Pig-eclipsing-weight behind a robust diplomatic effort in Darfur, let alone sought to truly build an international coalition willing to bring an end to the immense daily suffering of Darfurians. Sorry, Darfur, it appears we're a few Hogzillas and Monster Pigs short of being able to help you out on this whole genocide thing. Maybe another time.

I'm still working on a plan for a strategic monster pig reserve, so stay tuned. Hey, gimme a break, I'm thinking outside the pen.

--Rich Stazinski